I dreamt a whole lot of garbage last night. This stemmed from my CPAP nasal pillow continually hissing a slight amount of air sometimes and my CPAP machine making all sorts of strange noises throughout the night. Let’s hope tonight is a better night’s sleep.

Today, I took a shower early and finished up some long overdue Solitaire daily quests for March. I’ve been playing the same Solitaire game now daily for 4 years and 10 months, as a part of my recovery from depersonalization but lately, I haven’t been as religious about playing. My goal is to get to 5 years of playing and see where I go from there.

The reason why I showered early was my parents, siblings, the one sibling’s wife and the other sibling’s partner, and all their kids, and we were supposed to FaceTime today. My youngest brother’s partner’s children still had a lot to do, so they cancelled, and the FaceTime meeting fizzled out.

I played Final Fantasy XV a bunch again today. Not as much as the last two days but some.

The Man I Once Loved texted back today. The call on early Saturday morning that I wrote about in a previous blog was supposedly a misdial. Those were his words, not mine. But he wrote about what he was up to this weekend: mostly housework and chores around the house.

And?

And it deflated me.

Today, I’ve felt really worn out and blue and that was just one more thing to add to that blueness. “Sorry. That call I made? It was a mistake.”

I’m not 100% sure I entirely believe it. Actually, that shows the problem in that relationship right now (as tenuous as it might be), and that maybe me walking away years ago might have been the best option for my well-being.

Far out.

Today is a public holiday here, so it was nice to have an extra day off. As I’ve said before, I’m feeling very burned out, especially since the work put into the online platform so our students at The Place Where I Work can keep learning can continue has been an extremely massive undertaking.

To be honest, and I’ve said it before: it’s the last push for me. I can’t do this for much longer or for even close to the level I have put in over the last few weeks. It wouldn’t matter if I was being paid 10 times as much as I am; the last few years has been overdrive in various aspects, and it’s not sustainable for me anymore.

I’m blue too because I don’t know when — or if — I will ever get home again. To go from being able to fly back on a direct flight as soon as I needed to fly back to such restriction has been very difficult to deal with. I have lots of friends, most of my family, and a huge chunk of my support network back in Chicago and the States. To have that cleaved off so suddenly has made me feel very alone.

Today is the last day of the Alert Level 4 (highest level) of the COVID-19 lockdown. It ends at 11:59 PM — about 40 minutes from now. We had 1 confirmed case and 4 presumed cases in New Zealand today. I found out that, actually, worldwide statistics only include the confirmed cases, so what we had case-wise “officially” was a bit less than the full tally.

About 80% of confirmed and presumed cases have recovered.

Unfortunately another person, in her 90s, passed away today from COVID-19.

Tomorrow is a new day for us here in a COVID-19 world. Alert Level 3. Still very restrictive but several more (remote) freedoms we can enjoy. Online shopping. Getting coffee and food (contactless) from our favorite restaurants and fast food places. The ability to travel a little more freely within our neighborhoods and regions for work (if and when needed). All these little things will help.

I did get quite cross about something I saw on the news tonight. Australia — and honestly, this is happening in the States and other places too — had people angry and upset that the poilce were stopping them from going on the beach and to other outdoor areas that could infect a lot of people. One woman whined, “I want to swim!!!” And I thought: “Poor fucking you, you selfish idiot. No regard for your fellow human beings or yourself. They could infect you. You could be a Typhoid Mary and infect 20 of them. But poor Karen wants to swim at the beach, so fuck everyone’s health!” What a selfish human being.

Sadly, there are plenty of people out there like that, and this is disheartening.

In the 1940s, as in many other times before, our ancestors were stoic and had to sacrifice a lot for the greater good. They went without a lot of different types of foods, clothes, transport, money, goods, all sorts of things, to help with the war effort, or whatever calamity that came their way.

They got on and did it.

Poor Karen can’t give up a swim on the beach for a few days, weeks, months, a year. Boo fucking hoo.

I’m hoping New Zealand has beaten this terrible virus, and we’re able to keep it at bay until it can be successfully halted or kept at arm’s length by medicine. I’m hoping that’s within months rather than within years, because I need to see my family and friends in the States again soon. That sounds like Karen above, but the difference is, I’m not hoping on a plane, exposing myself to tons of the virus, then spreading it around to everyone, including the ones I love.

I’m sitting at home, barely going out, like a good person should. Like the lockdown intended.

As Alert Level 4 lifts at 11:59 tonight — now 30 minutes away or so at this point in my writing — will my blogging on this continue? I don’t know. I wasn’t planning on it, but it would be an interesting thing for future generations to read, maybe.

Then again, lessons from the 1918 flu epidemic seemed not to be learned. Maybe I’m wasting my talent and energy on this.

Stay safe. Stay safe, stay local, keep your distance, don’t go out unless you have to (even in Alert Level 3!), and be kind.

Writer, blogger, actor, reader, singer, liberal, German, American, Kiwi, gay, Caucasian, educational administrator.

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