Watching Little Britain, I sometimes think that the sketches could be slightly modified for our school. Some good examples:
We get a student on the phone. She doesn’t want to do the entire beauty therapy course, just oh, waxing and maybe playing with eyebrows. (Ok, imagine going to a doctor who says, “Sorry, didn’t cover that in medical school, I only know about the respiratory system.”) I feel like I want to be like Carol and say:
“Computer says no.”
Some students want all their i’s dotted and their t’s crossed, and they ask 12 times just to make sure. Great, but the answer doesn’t change from the first time you asked me in this conversation… and this is where we feel like answering like the Scottish inn keeper:
“If ye ask me on a Monday, I’d say Yeeeees. If ye aske me on a Tuesday, I’d say Yeeeeees. If you ask me on a Wednesday, I’d say Yeeeees…”
And then there are those, what we like to call, “special needs students”. The ones who just stand out to us for all the wrong reasons. I’m like Linda then.
(On phone to Noel). “Noel, it’s Scott. I’ve got a student here in my office… how can I describe her? It’s Lucy. You know Lucy? Pretty brown hair. She’s beautiful… in the middle of it. Looks like she knows where to get a good feed. That’s right! Stutters like a skipping record needle. It’s a-bee-a-bee-a-bee-a-bee Petunia Pig!!!”
Then there is that one student each year that gains a LOT of weight. I mean, a lot. So bad that you hear a warning klaxon when you get near her because her uniform buttons are about the pop. This is where Fat Fighters comes in:
“Because YOU FAT! Fatty fatty boom boom! You just LOVE the cake!”
Of course, most of our students are okay. I shouldn’t give them such a bad rap, but it’s just those special one or two that make our lives at school… interesting. Take the student who doesn’t do her homework (and it’s everyone else’s fault she’s failing except hers). At the end of our tether, and we’re trying to find out where the student’s homework is, it’s like speaking to Vicki Pollard:
“Yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah, what happened was this whole phing like Brandi Twinings, right? She like totally fobbed me off or sumthin coz she so wanted to go out with Kevin Bradford but he’s hooked up with Trish or sumthin coz they met at Eastgate McDonalds and shared a shake and she TOTALLY got like herpes or summit and they quarantined the whole mall until OSH gave them the all clear and Trish and Kevin and them were all pukin and spewin and it was well graphic and random coz Brandi put a whole bottle of Mylanta in the shake machine.”
So with starting another school year on Monday — my 11th with the school — it should be interesting to see what other things come up in 2007!
Beam Me Up, Scotty 