Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

Sorry for no blogs lately, boys and girls, but I fell and badly sprained my wrist… so not a lot of typing going on here lately!

So during the hiatus, I bring you Things You Wish You Could Say At Work.  Try it.  See if you can get fired or at least reprimanded!

1. Ah, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with. Once you people learn to worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?
20. I’m not being rude; you’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication!
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room…
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started off with nothing. I still have most of it left.
30. You! Off my planet!
31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
34. Allow me to introduce myselves.
35. Whatever kind of look you were going for? You missed.
36. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
38. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
40. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven’t fallen asleep  yet.
41. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number one?
42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
44. Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.
45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
46. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
49. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
50. Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
51. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is  not looking good either.
52. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound as they go flying  by.
53. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
54. I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on disk somewhere.
55. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
56. Some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
57. If we quit voting, will they all go away?
58. When money talks, no one criticises its accent.
59. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
60. My reality check bounced.
61. If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.
62. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
63. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
64. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m the carrier.
65. Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.
66. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
67. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you  with experience.
68. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
69. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
70. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
71. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
72. I used to have a handle on life. It broke.
73. Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.
74. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
75. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
76. Consciousness: That annoying thing between naps.
77. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
78. I may be fat, but you’re ugly, and I can lose weight.
79. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
80. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
81. Work harder. People on welfare depend on you.
82. God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now,  I am so far behind I will live forever.
83. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
84. Life is too short. Don’t be a jerk.
85. Don’t treat men any differently than you would the Queen.
86. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a workstation. I wonder if that means…?
87. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
88. Germs attack people where they’re weakest. That explains your head cold.
89. There’s always one more imbecile than you counted on.