Depersonalization Triggers Again: 25 July 2023

My depersonalization has been strong again the last few days.

Yesterday, I got up early as it had been raining all weekend, The Place Where I Work tends to flood in an area or two, and we had a new intake starting. On the way to work, my dashboard flashed a warning: tire pressure low. That tipped it over the edge: lack of sleep and yet another thing to worry about.

Orientation (at least my part of it) was a shitshow, because, when my depersonalization flares up, my cognitive functioning goes out the window, and I can end up babbling nonsense.

Fast forward to today. I get up with the alarm and start work right away (as I’m working from home on Tuesdays and Thursdays). An hour later, I put some music on, but there’s a weird bunch of noises from the living room. I investigate; Star and Twinkle are playing with a sparrow inside the house.

And it’s still alive.

I try to get Twinkle away first. She hisses and has a go at me; I chuck her into the front room and slam the door.

Star is still there, but I get between her and the bird. While I’m stroking the bird’s back (which it seems to appreciate), I call my husband in a panic; he tells me to bundle it up and put it in a box to try to heal (or get peace to die).

I manage to cover the bird while I find a box and get towels. The bird gets tucked in the box, and I lure Star into the front room with treats.

So the anxiety around that flares the depersonalization up again, especially as I had a goal to get my first work task done by 8:30 and here I am checking on the sparrow tucked into spare tea towels in a box on the heated floor in the middle of the bathroom every 5 to 15 minutes.

At 9:50, the bird appeared calmer but was still breathing. At 10, I checked again, but the sparrow had passed away. It must’ve happened soon after I visited it last as it was cool to the touch.

That really upset me. But this stupid illness stops me from crying or releasing the feeling like a normal person does… which makes the depersonalization worse.

I just don’t seem to be able to handle stress or anxiety or multitasking or distractions or unexpected things too well anymore.