I finally slept in this morning. I didn’t have the most restful sleep — my waking anxieties kept me awake at certain times of the night — but I did get to sleep in and I felt more rested this morning again.
I didn’t work today. It was the end of the 18 day streak before it. Interestingly enough, I promised myself after a recent conversation with my doctor — where he told me if I kept on the same path of working so hard that I’d, best case scenario, end up very ill and severely cripple myself for the rest of my life or, worst case scenario, kill myself by overworking myself — that I would no longer overextend myself, here I am, in a pandemic, overworking myself. What added the twist of the dagger was I was told today that I’m not available enough to listen and that’s why I get talked at ad nauseum after I finish with work. I can A) work to save The Place Where I Work during this pandemic and be less available to socially interact or B) not give a flying fuck about The Place Where I Work (and then we lose that) and we can be poor and socially interact all we want or C) have someone else step up to help ease that burden, and I can have a somewhat normal work life with adequate support and have the emotional, mental, and physical energy to also socially interact. Based on the pattern that has been established over the last gazillion years, I’m guessing choice A will prevail. I’m super disappointed in myself in falling back on that option.
But the economy is collapsing, I don’t seem to have much of a choice, and it’s not like I have a ton of options to do anything else in the middle of a pandemic.
It hurt me very deeply that, after an emotionally rough day, even though it was a day off finally, I was made to feel like, that even though I’m giving 150% on 50% operating power, it still wasn’t good enough. Really hurtful, really upsetting, and part of a repeating pattern.
My sister-in-law called on FaceTime out of the blue, and we spoke for about 40 minutes, which was nice. My brother called back and we spoke for a good 2 1/2 hours about everything too. He was upset. I understand. He and I are very similar in a lot of ways, and I love talking to him because we are so similar. But I am worried about them, being in the States under Trump’s (failing) leadership, which has exposed many people I love and care deeply about to this pandemic. My brother is angry; many people are angry; and Trump needs to go. All of his administration and cronies (including in Congress) need to go. They have ultimately failed, and many, many, many people will die as a result, and none of those in power who could have prevented it and failed ever deserve a shot at public office again. In fact, they should be held accountable in a court of law, just like a doctor or any other professional would with gross negligence.
So, today was hard for me.
One glimmer of hope: in the New Zealand Government briefing today, it was announced that our country may have hit its curve now. They want to give it a few more days to be sure, but the early lockdown may have halted the pandemic in its tracks. I hope so. I really honestly hope so. If we can emerge from this as an isolated but safe country until a vaccine is delivered, that would be great.
I’m quietly optimistic about this.
On another side of things, my two grocery orders came through today in full. An interesting tidbit: one item from my second order was delivered with my first. It begs the question: why couldn’t they combine the orders? They claimed on their site that they couldn’t add or subtract items from the delivery. Why not? They obviously knew I was the same person in all of our deliveries. I call bullshit on this. They could easily streamline their operations to deliver better service to Kiwis in this pandemic. I hope Countdown looks into this. Probably not as I’ve heard absolutely nothing back to my complaint from last week!
Anyway…. tonight our clocks go back an hour, so I get an extra hour of sleep. That will hopefully be nice. I hope everyone is well and please stay safe.